Due to a printing error, tomorrow’s Guardian is full of water.

TODAY’S HEADLINES:

* Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision
* Bank of England Recovers from Swollen Chairman Unusualness
* Elastic song strangles Hucknall
and
* Girl Made Of Paint Wins By-election

HERE IS THE NEWS:

Hello you
There was a rotting smell of fear in the City today when leisure conglomerate Bottington Fiasco fell 10 percentages leaving the cup open for a hammer bid from Silica FistFruit at 12.
There were no dollars today.

Onto the money markets, with a quick look at the currency kidney. There’s a lot of pressure on the Bundersvessel leading to a slight inflammation in the exchange tract causing a flow
of waste pounds across all international membranes.

The central numerical council issued the new 7 today: it will be 3 kilos heavier than the old 7 and made of glass.

Arguments ballooned across the markets when international talks collapsed, and Spain withdraw and started trading with itself. The peseta burst open at 4.

The pound was barely audible this morning, it rotted by 3.9 points against the dollar.

And there was a great big whoop of dismay in the market when TroubleFinch Dusky Holdings dropped off an eighth at 2.4 after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow.

To see how the pound fared, let’s look at the Currency Susan: It started off the day quite healthily as a Medium Susan, while the Yen surged to a quite attractive, popular Susan by close of trading, with the Euro resting on a plain dumpy Susan with bad ears.

In summary then: Oh no.

 

[And this post is for all of you who say that my blog makes little or no sense!! With thanks to the genius of Chris Morris and Armando Ianucci for the above]

 

**** MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! *****

 

 

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